Ceteris Scribus: Joan of Arc

Burned at the Stake, Burned on the Internet: A Warrior’s Guide to the 21st Century

By Joan of Arc (Guest Columnist, Temporarily Resurrected Heroine)

The last thing I remember was standing at the stake, flames licking at my feet, when suddenly—a vortex swallowed me whole. The next moment, I found myself in a blindingly bright hall, staring at a towering man with painted eyes and high-heeled boots. Surely, he was a warrior, marching toward me with purpose. I braced for battle—until he stopped, spun around, and strutted away. I would soon learn this was no battlefield. This was what you call a "fashion show."

Apparently, I am in the 21st century, where warriors no longer wear armour, but pants so tight they might be a form of sorcery. I was nearly executed, for wearing pants, and yet here in the 21st century, women wear whatever they please, I have learned of the battles they have fought, not with swords but with resilience and beyond the shadow of any doubt, my heart swells with admiration for my fellow maidens. The struggles for equality continue, but this has been a major victory.

Battles are no longer fought with steel but with words flung across a glowing box called a smartphone on something called an application like "X" and “Reddit.” I ventured onto this battlefield myself and was immediately met with an ambush. People refused to believe that St. Michael himself told me how to proceed with battle, his sacred voice guiding me during tough times instead debated my sanity on something called “Reddit threads”, discussing how I must have suffered from psychosis or schizophrenia. They prattled on about ‘mental health’ and ‘neurological conditions.’ Goodness gracious, you people are strange.

Imagine changing the narrative, turning a blessing into a disorder. In my time a knight gained honour by emerging victorious in a battle, bleeding and wounded, his deeds were rewarded. Now, they gain “followers” through dancing to absurd songs, indulging in gossip, participating in the latest trends by making videos, and standing in front of a camera, making intense facial expressions for a “fit check” where you show everyone your outfit for the day or drinking cinnamon-spiced beverages from an overpriced tavern called Starbucks. I resolved to engage in this madness myself and post about how I marshalled an army into battle and emerged victorious, but to my surprise, they did not believe me. I got ‘ratioed’, whatever that means. Your people are more barbaric and crueller than mine. 

People have evolved in every way, but has the religious supervision to get through life, taken a backseat? Yes, it has, people now rely on something called manifestations, where you think positively, imagine yourself already getting it and then getting it. I met this girl on the street and asked her what manifestation is, she gave me the glowing box again and opened a chatbot, ChatGPT was its name, the spawn of a demon I tell you, it knew the answers to all the questions I asked, a ghastly crime. Instead of following the advice of saints, you people follow instructions given by an ‘app’ that reads the stars? How foolish and naïve of you. The Church feared spies and traitors, yet now you willingly allow yourselves to be watched at all times? And you do this… for convenience?

Divine guidance is not what gives directions instead people rely on a small, robotic voice that commands them to "take the next left"—only to lead them to a dead end. I had to travel to the public library and missed a turn, the lady screamed at me for “a U-Turn” and kept chanting the words, rerouting….. rerouting, calculating the shortest way to your path, it was so irritating, St Michaels would have told me the correct way without screaming in my face.

It is interesting to note that people don’t fight wars with honour now, hiding behind technology in remote facilities controlling flying devices that explode- a drone, I think- but where are the swords, the beheading, the blood of your enemy running down your hands? What cowardice! What treachery! You don’t even get wounds in the battle with these bulletproof vests, your “ChatGPT” told me that bullets that come out from guns render armour useless. Why fight if you do not wear the proper attire? It is as if a knight rode into battle naked! The honour and glory that come with it are unfathomable, children these days don’t pick up wooden swords with their father or older brother teaching them tactics instead they hop onto the internet and play Call of Duty, I tried it myself, and it gives a rush not going to lie, but the metallic smell of blood along with seeing your enemy dead is priceless, nobody can take that away.

You inject yourselves with sickness to avoid sickness? Where is your faith? Where is your valour? You willingly ask for sickness instead of praying for divine protection and or trusting holy relics to cure you of the injuries you sustained. Blasphemous, I tell you. I went to the hospital the other day and learned so much about the new kinds of diseases, obesity being a common problem, your plumpness is only because you do everything sitting, behind a screen, be it wars, getting food (I was dumbfounded, people in my time had to toil for bread. Here, you get it delivered from stores like a spoiled noble), shopping for clothes or even having a heartfelt conversation with the person who birthed you. I pity you all truly.

Back in my day, a knight would lay siege to your village and offer you, his heart. Now you swipe left on suitors from your bed? Weak, I say. And that’s not it, there are shows where people quarrel over who shall share a bed with whom. In my time, such disputes were settled with duels! I am learning so much about this eccentric world of yours. Like the time I told someone I woke up with a chill down my spine, vivid pictures of an innocent child being murdered played on and on again and they suggested I go to therapy. In my time, if you had troubles, you went to the confessional or straight to the battlefield. Now, you pay someone to listen to you for an hour? And they call it self-care?

In the end, life in the 21st century is better in many ways. You have battles of your own to fight. Would I stay? At first, no—I wanted to return and use the manipulation tactics I learned from How to Win Friends and Influence People. But after a life of war and kings, perhaps a fresh start here wouldn’t be so bad. I must admit, I love the comfort of these "Ralph Lauren" pants—far better than my tattered gown. Womanhood, you call it? I love that. On second thought, I’ll stay. This world is in dire need of warriors. Perhaps I’ll teach you all a thing or two about courage.

---

Note: This piece is published as part of Ceteris Scribus - a one-of-a-kind intellectual and creative article writing competition hosted on Unstop by The Contrarian. Participants could choose between imagining how historical figures would react to today’s world or analyzing the economics of their favoriten fictional world. This piece by Anahita Malviya secured 5th place in the competition.

Writer's Bio:

Anahita Malviya is a third-year Computer Engineering student at SVKM’s NMIMS, Indore. When she isn’t managing events or leading teams, you’ll find her on a road trip—she’s travelled to nine states across India (and counting!). Anahita is an avid reader of murder mysteries and secretly believes she could be a detective. She dreams of publishing her books someday and running a cosy book-café-flower shop. She also aspires to be in a high-ranking role in the corporate world—because why settle for one dream when you can have three?